I still remember returning to my parents’ house the day that my daddy passed away, and sleeping in my parents’ bed with my mom that night in the place where he used to lay.
When I awoke the next morning, I discovered that my mom had already quietly left the room, so I snuggled up in my dad's blanket and continued to just lay there, numb. I wanted to pray, but I felt so discouraged and disappointed. I knew I needed to get up and start helping plan the funeral arrangements, but as my mind was slowly awakening, I continued laying there wondering if it had all somehow been a bad dream.
It's honestly mind-blowing to think about how much grieving family members have on their to-do list at a time when even breathing feels difficult to do. I had an obituary to write, a video to create, photos to gather, calls to make, and picture frames to purchase. But as I laid there in the dark bedroom thinking of all the things I needed to accomplish for the funeral, a sudden and heartbreaking realization came over me--it was my youngest daughter's first birthday. Her first birthday party was supposed to be that upcoming weekend and there was simply no way I felt like I could pull it off. I was still fighting back tears and pushing down bubbling guilt as I laid there in my parents' bed when my cell phone rang. It was my friend Lacey – she was just calling to let me know that she was going to take care of all the food preparation for my daughter's birthday party for me so it'd be one less thing for me to worry about.
I could hardly form words -- I was completely overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement. I didn’t ask my dear friend to do that…she didn’t know what I had literally just been worrying about just moments before. She didn’t, but God did. And in the weeks to come I saw what God’s people can do when they answer his call to be His hands and feet to those that mourn. Many, many friends sustained me with their prayers and hugs and messages and cards and thoughtful acts of kindness. They showed up when they didn’t have to, and they showed me what it means to feel the closeness and the peace of God.
God knew what I needed before I asked, and I believe in that moment He was tenderly reminding me that despite my discouragement and grief over the devastating loss of my daddy, He had not left me alone and would carry me when I couldn't seem to muster the strength to get out of bed many mornings.
Yes, there is something so comforting about knowing that the "One who holds tomorrow is the One who holds my hand", and I'm learning how to trust God through disappointment and pain. The Lord wants us to learn to trust Him enough to hand over our most sacred pieces of our hearts and then rest in the knowledge and peace that even when everything is falling apart, He’s still carrying our burdens, and He’s still carrying us. (Phil. 4:6-7)
But trusting feels extra difficult when you're already grieving or discouraged, and even the most faithful believers need help sometimes letting their burdens go.
So here are some nuggets of wisdom from Scripture to consider when you’re in the process of handing over the most sacred parts of your life to the Lord…
1. It takes an intentional decision
First and foremost, we need to choose to trust God with the outcome.
One of my favorite historical figures in the Bible is Jochabed -- the mother of incredible future leaders of faith Aaron, Miriam, and Moses – who was a woman of such deep conviction that she herself is recorded in Hebrews 11 in what we often call the “hall of fame of faith”. What I love so much about Jochabed is that she faithfully did everything she could think to do to save her baby Moses from Pharoah's decree to kill all the Israelite baby boys, and when the time came that things had escalated out of her realm of control, she continued to do what she could and then chose to trust God with the outcome. Like Jochabed placing her beautiful baby Moses in a basket among the reeds at the river bank, we too will find supernatural peace when, in faith, we hand over whatever is in our own baskets to God, believing that He will ultimately work all things together for the good of those who trust in Him. (Rom. 8:28)
2. Our mindset matters
But after we remind ourselves who is ultimately in control, it’s important to be ever-so-careful about what we allow to put into our minds while we're struggling with discouragement, whether that’s social media or entertainment or music choices, or even the company we choose to keep. What we tell our children really is true – it’s extremely difficult to live lives of faith and courage if we allow ourselves to fill our minds with junk.
So how do we fill our minds with wholesome thoughts?
Philippians 4:8 has become my mantra:
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
When I’m having trouble falling asleep at night because my mind is racing and I’m worried about a particularly difficult situation, I start asking myself to think about what things I noticed were lovely about the day I just had, or what things were worthy of praise. This was especially necessary in the days leading up to and the days immediately following after my dad's death. Fear over the future would catch me out of nowhere; flashbacks to that hospital room would appear and reappear with no warning, especially at night. And so I would acknowledge my anxiety and stress, and intentionally push myself to run back through my list again in my mind. I’d think of the honorable things that happened in that hospital room, the things that were worthy of praise—all the friends and family that filled that room that week and filled our hearts praying over us and singing praise to God. I’d think about the admirable things they said about my dad at his visitation and funeral. I’d think about the purity my then-three year old daughter exhibited when she joyfully shouted repeatedly, “I can't wait to go to Heaven!” after we explained to her that that’s where Papa went to be when he passed away.
All of those positive thoughts led me closer to peace, but they also led my mind back to the Father. Why? Because He is the purest embodiment of all of those things.
So that’s a mental exercise that works for me, but maybe it needs to be tweaked a bit to be effective for you…maybe recording your daily thoughts on the moments you experienced that were worthy of praise in a journal helps you process your emotions better, or praying prayers of thankfulness through that list would be more impactful for you. But if you haven’t yet given the Philippians 4:8 exercise any thought, I dare you to try it--I sincerely believe you'll be blessed by it.
3. We must remember: Nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate me from the love of God, and there is no place we can go where God is not also right there in the trenches with us.
I was reminded of Romans 8:38-39 a few years ago when I was consoling my sobbing three-year old daughter Molly one evening. My husband and I had just discovered that our beloved toddler had opted to stay up and play in her bed rather than take advantage of her naptime that day and absolutely anything and everything was sending her into a puddle of tears. At one point, while I was carefully detangling her super curly hair after her bath and she was frustrated by the tugging and pulling, she threw her little arms up and sobbed, “Mommy doesn’t love Molly!”…and Y’all, my heart stopped.
True – she hadn’t had much sleep, and yes--she was just a toddler, so the emotional outburst was a little more understandable, but that phrase still cut me -- big time. She was only just starting to understand love and relationships, but somehow she equated the idea of my allowing her to sit through a few moments of “ouchies” while I painstakingly detangled her hair with the idea that I must not love her.
I, of course, stopped what I was doing, cuddled her close, and explained to her that I would never stop loving her and that it was actually because I loved her that I was detangling her hair. And I couldn’t help but think about all the sleepless nights I had spent nursing her, snuggling her, cleaning up vomit, worrying about therapies and specialists, praying for her future husband and family…and that absolutely none of the acts of love I've bestowed upon my daughter even pales in comparison to what God has done for me.
Yet how many times over the years has God witnessed my own doubt of His love when he's watched as I've fallen in the floor in tears wondering if He was still there and if He still cared for me after the unexpected or incomprehensible has happened?
How many times have I said to God in one way or another in my grief during times of sorrow or frustration, “God doesn’t love Melissa!” as He has been right there detangling my messes?
Oh, but God....
He draws near to me...
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (Psalm 34:18)
He will comfort me...
Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
He knows Himself what it feels like to be acquainted with grief...
He was despised and rejected—
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. (Isaiah 53:3)
His thoughts about me are precious...
Psalm 139
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. 2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. 3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. 4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. 5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! 8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. 9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, 10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. 11 I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— 12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! 18 I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!
(skip down to verse 23…)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
Gracious, there is SO much comfort packed into David's heartfelt words here.
Yes, making the determination to trust the Lord through heartache and disappointment can be truly difficult, but Friend, please let me reassure you from experience that it is so absolutely worth it.
And when perhaps you wake up one morning to a sunnier day, and the deep swells of grief and pain have mostly mellowed into manageable ripples, you'll know you're ready to comfort someone else who may be struggling with a similar heartache.
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)